Denial
by EnglishGraffiti
Summary: If you want a bit of love, put your head on my shoulder. Alex/Mitchie
1. Cloud Aura

_Author's Note- I don't really know what to put here other than I hope you enjoy this first chapter. I was a little sceptical about posting it but whatever, here it is. Reviews would be awesome, good or bad, I always love hearing what people think of my stuff. I've named the story after a song I'm really into right now and it fits in with my main goals for the story. It's called Denial by The Vaccines if any of you want to listen to it or anything. The POV is Mitchie throughout the whole chapter, it probably will be for most of the story, too. Enjoy :)_

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"Alex, where the hell are you?" I asked into her bedroom as I closed the door behind me, letting myself in. She stuck her head out of her bathroom door.

"Oh hey Mitch, I'm just in here I'll be out in a sec." I caught a quick glimpse of her in the steamy mirror as I kicked off my shoes and sat myself down on her bed. She was towel drying her hair and from all of the condensation I could see coming through the gap in the doorway I could only assume she'd just had a shower that was probably too hot for anyone but Alex to handle. A few seconds later she walked through, joining me on her double bed. "Did my mom let you in?"

"Yeah." Alex's mom had always been the motherly type of woman. I remember the first time I ever met her. Alex and I had only been friends for a few weeks and she invited me over to stay the night. She made me feel so welcome here and comfortable. She's like the grandma that everybody loves visiting because you always get amazing food. "What time do you want to leave?" She lay herself down beside me, face down on the bed and mumbled into her pillow. "Murmurmurmurmur." I laughed at myself, mocking her unrecognisable mumbling and she rolled over onto her side, shoving my arm.

"I said I completely forgot we had plans tonight." Her low tone suggested she felt reluctant to go.

"Oh come on Alex, you're not bailing are you?" She let out a huff and a grumble.

"But I haven't mentally prepared myself for this." I laughed again, knowing exactly what she meant.

"I know Brett's parties can get out of control but it's a Friday night and it's going to be the last party of the summer." She looked up at me, scrunching up her face and stuck out her bottom lip. "Aleeeex, please. You can't make me go alone." Her expression didn't change so I decided to mimic her, hoping that she'll cave. She didn't say no, so I took that as a possible consideration. " _Pleeeeease_."

"Ugh, okay fine!" I smiled with excitement and cupped her face with my hands, scrunching her cheeks together. She looked up at me with a grumpy, child like expression.

"You won't regret it Alex, I'll make tonight so fun for the both of us I promise!" I let go of her face and got up from her bed. Alex dropped her head back down onto her pillow and rolled onto her back, blowing a strand of hair from her face. I began going through her closet, picking out something for her to wear considering all she had on at that point was a pair of washed out jeans and her Pixies t shirt.

It wasn't that often she would come to big parties like this with me, usually I'd have to tag along with one of the guys. Most of the time that was either Shane or Jay, but I didn't mind. I do prefer to have Alex's company but she was never really much of a party person so I don't force her if she really doesn't feel up to it. Most of the time she'd rather stay home and read a book or walk her neighbor's dog in the park. But I quite like that about Alex, she's different to a lot of people I know. Even though she's never been super outgoing, she's so easy with herself. She's not the type of person to initiate any sort of interaction with other people other than her close friends or family, but if anyone were to start conversation with her, her words and her body language just seem to _flow_.

"So what time does it start?" I turned back to her, holding up a shirt silently asking for her approval of it. She nodded and I threw it over to her for her to change into.

"I think Shane said he'll be there for about six." I said as I turned back to her closet to look for some pants. "We could leave a little later if you want to. Ya know, so by the time we get there everyone will more than likely be shit faced already." She laughed and I turned my head to look at her. Her eyes were already on me and she shrugged her shoulders.

"I don't mind, it's already four thirty and I don't want to be waiting for hours until we leave."

"Alright we'll leave in an hour then, it'll only take us twenty minutes from here." I walked back over to her with a pair of her dark acid wash jeans. "Here, wear these." She caught them and we switched places. "They make your ass look great." Before she could react there was a knock on her bedroom door.

"Come in!" Alex shouted as she changed her jeans. Her dad wasn't due home from work just yet so we both knew it was her mom knocking.

"Are you going out?" Theresa asked, noticing her daughter getting a little more dressed up than she usually would.

"Yeah we're gonna go hang out with Shane and a few others." Alex glanced over at me, silently warning me to go along with it. "Nothing big."

"Alright honey, are you having dinner before you leave?"

"Sure but we're planning on going in an hour or so."

"Alright I'll make something quick." She looked over at me and I noticed Alex wander over to her closet from the corner of my eye. "Are you staying for dinner Mitchie?" Her voice was soft and her eyebrows raised with her question, waiting for my response. My gaze switched from Theresa to Alex, who had her back facing me, and then back to Theresa again. This scenario wasn't anything new to me, but I always felt too awkward to just outright say yes whenever she asked me if I wanted dinner.

"Um…" Even though Theresa was always so so lovely to me and she made me feel so welcome in her home, it was pretty often that I would go blank with her. I think at first I thought it would just go away with time and age, and I think maybe her and Alex thought that too, but it just never did.

"Yeah she'll have dinner, mom." Alex called out, coming back from her closet with a jacket draped over her arm. I felt my cheeks go slightly warm with embarrassment as Theresa smiled at me reassuringly before leaving the room. "Why does that always happen?" Alex's voice made my eyes avert from the door, back to her as she sat beside me on her bed.

"I don't know, I just get awkward."

"But you know my mom, she's the sweetest person on this planet."

"I know. I adore your mom, she's always been so kind to me." I shrugged my shoulders defensively, "I really don't know why it happens." Alex looked over my face for a second before coming to the conclusion that it was the truth and shrugged somewhat carelessly.

"Alright." She got to her feet and walked out of her bedroom door. "You coming or what?" She called back to me without turning her head. I scurried up to my feet, not realising I was supposed to be following her and I heard her laugh in front of me. She led me to her living room and we sat on the couch. I could hear Theresa in the kitchen singing to herself, rattling pots and pans as she cooked. Since the very first time I ever came to this house, it's been my favorite place to be. I just love the feeling I have when I'm here. It feels like a real home here, with family pictures hanging around everywhere and the smell of a dinner being cooked and a nice couch with a coffee table. I feel like I'm constantly getting a warm hug.

"Oh, I was meaning to ask you…" Alex was flicking through the tv channels, "do you think I could stay here tonight? I don't want to walk all the way home by myself later, especially after drinking."

"Yeah sure, I'll brush it past my mom at dinner."

About 40 minutes passed of mindless t.v watching and general conversation here and there until Theresa called us through for dinner. She placed the food out in front of us on the four seated dining table they had in the corner of their kitchen. It was only the three of them here, so they didn't need anything bigger and I guess the extra seat worked out pretty well considering how often I would actually stay for dinner here. I tried not to make it too much of a regular thing because it made me feel guilty a lot of the time, like I rely on this family too much to just have basic needs. Not that Alex's parents had any idea of that, but I wanted to keep it that way anyway.

"So how are you these days, Mitchie? I haven't seen you around the house in a couple of weeks now." I felt myself go a little tense at the mention of me not being around for a while. I had been putting off seeing Alex recently and I know she noticed I was avoiding her but I really didn't want it to come up.

"Yeah, what's up with that?" Alex chirped in, taking a sip from the glass of water she had in front of her.

"I've just been kind of busy, that's all." I kept my eyes down on my food nervously, trying my best to stay nonchalant. A slightly awkward silence fell upon us and I cleared my throat stiffly. I knew I was doing a terrible job at being convincing. I could feel their doubts on top of me like a ton of bricks. I didn't even have to look up to know what look Alex would have on her face. I discretely took in a deep breath and willed myself to look up at the both of them with a confident smile. "You know, last minute school stuff and all that malarky." I'm pretty sure I managed to get it past Theresa but Alex could always see right through me. That's why I avoided looking at her for the rest of the meal.

"Are you looking forward to your senior year?"

"Mom it's no different to any other school year. Just a million times more pressure."

"Oh Alex, I'm sure you'll do fine. You've always loved learning." That was true. Alex always indulged herself in education. She thrived off of learning new things and she was always the most tranquil when she was studying. It was just the system of education that she hated.

"Yes mom, but there's a difference between learning and being forced to cram information into our brains to pass a test." I smiled at her response, despite still being unable to look up at her. "Mm, before I forget, do you mind if Mitchie stays tonight?"

"Of course not but make sure you have everything ready for school on Monday." Alex scoffed but I heard the small laugh that escaped her lips too.

"Oh please, don't forget who you're talking to," she swallowed the remaining food that was in her mouth, "everything's done already. I'm all set."

It was actually a huge coincidence that Alex and I ever even met. It was the first week of Freshman year and we didn't share any classes for the whole year. It was in the toilets that we had our first encounter. Kind of a strange place for a friendship to... originate, I guess, but she actually saved my ass from probably a lot of humiliation and embarrassment. And to be honest, I think if we would have met under any other circumstance, we wouldn't have been friends. We're not completely opposite from each other, but we definitely have more differences than similarities in the ways that we both are and our backgrounds. Thinking about it, that's probably why our whole friendship group is pretty diverse. Even though we're all so different from each other, we all get along and click so well. 

_I ran into the toilet stall, hoping no one noticed why I was in such a rush to get here._

 _"Shit shit shit, Jesus Christ Mitchie why do you have to be such an idiot?!" I muttered to myself with annoyance grabbing some tissue in a heated, panicked rush before scrubbing it against my leg. I was still muttering to myself, cursing myself, telling myself off. It was something I did so often that I didn't even hear myself saying the words out loud anymore._

 _"Hello?" The unexpected voice made me jump slightly and I turned around to face the closed stall door in front of me. I tilted my head to the side, looking underneath the door to see a pair of black canvas sneakers. I stayed quiet for a second, unsure of whether to reply or just ignore whoever it was. "Are you okay in there?"_

 _"Uh…" I stuttered like an idiot. "Uh y-yeah… I'm fine."_

 _"You don't sound okay…" Her voice trailed off softly, with genuine concern. If it were anyone else I don't think I would have even given them the time of day, but her voice made me feel like I could trust her. Like she wasn't asking for any other reason but wanting to help. So I opened the door, despite how stupid and embarrassed I felt, I showed her my leg that was covered in someone else's disgusting, sticky chewing gum. My hair was all in my face by this point and my cheeks were probably red with a mixture of embarrassment and irritation which was probably evident on my face, too. I'm surprised she didn't laugh, I couldn't have looked at all decent. I watched her face as she looked down at my covered leg. She seemed to be in thought for a second as she sort of pursed her lips to one side and then she looked up to meet my eyes. "What size are you?"_

 _"Uh, like a four to a six…"_

 _"Okay this is gonna sound super weird but I have a pair of spare jeans in my locker, I'm around your size. I can go get them for you if you like?" My chest felt like it deflated with relief._

 _"Oh my God, thank you."_

 _"I'll just be a few minutes." She smiled in a somewhat awkward and shy way as she left and I closed the stall door again and waited with my back against it. I thought about her from the second she left to the second she got back. I wondered if she usually does this sort of thing; offers to help strangers out like she has with me. I don't know, I guess I got the impression that she was more of an introverted type but her actions were telling me otherwise which left me sort of inquisitive. I wanted to know her more. A few minutes passed and I heard the bathroom door open. A part of me was anxious that it was some sort of malicious trick. I half expected to open the door to a number of faces with their cell phones at the ready for a decent snap of my chewing gum covered jeans. She knocked on the door and before opening it, I checked if they were the same shoes. They were. My heartbeat quickened ever so slightly as I opened the door again, but I was soon relieved when it was just her standing there. I actually felt a little guilty for doubting the girl after being so kind to me. "Here, they should fit alright." She handed me the jeans and I closed the door once more to change. She waited outside by the sinks._

 _"So, what's your name?" I called out, pulling off my own, ruined jeans._

 _"Alex… You?"_

 _"Mitchie."_

 _"Short for Michelle?" I pulled up the right leg and put my left foot through the other hole._

 _"Yeah but don't you dare ever call me that." I heard her quiet laugh and it made me smile inside the private stall._

 _"And what if I do?" My smile grew at her teasing and I wiggled the jeans up my hips and did the button._

 _"I take it Alex is short for Alexandra?" She went quiet and I laughed as I opened the door to see her smiling and she put her hands up in defense once she saw me._

 _"Alright… Mitchie." I walked over to the sink next to her and started running one of the taps to try and get the gum off of my jeans. Alex watched what I was doing and stopped me just as I was about to put the material under the running water. "You don't wanna do that." I looked up at her questioningly._

 _"What? Why not?" She turned off the water._

 _"It won't help, trust me. You should take them home and freeze it off. If you wet them now all it's going to accomplish is having soaked jeans in your locker all day." I retreated my hands from the sink, along with my jeans. "I don't carry around spare pants in my locker for nothing you know."_

 _"You have unfortunate luck too?" She nodded to answer, but just as the words were about to follow I realised how long I'd actually been in here. "Damn, what's the time?!" She was taken back by my sudden outburst but she laughed a little afterwards._

 _"Freshman too?" I blanked her for a second, not processing why she ignored my question and outright changed the subject._

 _"Uh… Yeah…" I felt my eyebrows scrunch together. I was confused by how relaxed she was despite my obvious distress._

 _"Chill, you have time. I'm freshman too, we have the same lunch period." I felt my face relax and I let out a breath I wasn't even aware I was holding in before. Her expression changed as she kept her eyes on my face. She looked slightly amused or something. "You really are quite the hurricane, aren't you." Her rhetorical question took me by surprise a little. I wasn't exactly sure what she meant by that. She had her back to the sinks and I was stood at her side with my back facing the hand dryers. I noticed her eyes looked happy… genuinely happy. It made me wonder who her friends are here. I don't know why._

 _"How do you mean?"_

 _"When I watch you, it's like watching a blindfolded person running towards the edge of a cliff and then at the last minute, just when you think they're going to run over, they turn to safety… only to be running towards the edge of the cliff again." I wasn't sure whether I was supposed to be insulted, or laugh and I think she realised by my face because her eyes widened slightly and she held her hand up defensively. "Oh I didn't mean that in a bad way!" She let out a small laugh and lowered her hand. "In fact, it's quite amusing actually." I swatted at her arm and laughed._

 _"Explain how you mean, though."_

 _"I've been in here no longer than ten minutes and in that short space of time you almost had to leave here with chewing gum all over you, then you almost ruined your jeans even more by wetting them and you don't have the time. It makes me wonder about you." Her bold statement took me by surprise. I'd only just met the girl and she was telling me she 'wonders' about me. But in a way it sort of comforted me. Was this moment the moment I was going to make a real friend. "I don't know I guess it's just weird how things like that happen. Like, what if I decided to go to the bathroom block across school instead or I decided to go to my locker first and missed you… yaknow?"_

 _"You're my good luck charm." She laughed. I smiled. "I guess that means we have to be friends now." She nodded her head, still smiling._

 _"I guess it does."_

The only times we would see each other in school was our lunch period. Other than that, we spent the rest of our time together after school and at weekends. In our sophomore year we had a few classes together but two out of three of them we had assigned seats and we sat away from each other. Our junior year wasn't much different, with a couple extra classes together, plus gym. I was actually pretty terrified about moving up to Senior. I barely got through my last year. Another thing I wouldn't have done without Alex. The thought of finally leaving school scared me, too. It sounds crazy because what person doesn't want to leave high school? But I'm scared of being stuck here. Nothing comes for me once I graduate high school.

"Mitch what's up with you?"

"Huh?"

"Ever since dinner you've barely said a word." We were walking to the party by this point. Brett's parent's house wasn't too far from Alex's house. It was about 10 or 11 blocks over Murray Hill, at least a twenty minute walk. Whereas if it were from mine, it would be an extra 4 blocks and a park away.

"Sorry." I hadn't even noticed until now that she'd put on her jacket.

"I take it Brett has all the alcohol then?" She asked as we walked alongside a community basketball court.

"Yeah." He can afford it with his job and he doesn't really have anything else to spend his wages on anyway. His parents spend a lot of time away, I think they visit some of their relatives in North Carolina a lot but Brett can't go most of the time because he was always busy with school before he graduated this year and his job on top of that. But he took advantage of his parents being away by throwing a party every time.

"Isn't he going to college this year?"

"Yeah but I don't think he starts for another month." Brett was quite a close friend of ours but he was a lot closer with Jay than the rest of us. They've worked together for around two years but I think they bond over getting stoned more that anything to be honest.

We eventually got to his house and it was Shane that greeted us first when we let ourselves in. He was stood in the hallway by the front door talking with some of his other friends. He had a cup in one of his hands and the other hand was holding his cell phone. When he noticed me and Alex his face lit up and he walked over to us.

"How are you guys? I haven't seen either of you for weeks now." I looked up at Shane and then moved my gaze over to Alex. I know I hadn't seen her for a couple of weeks but I assumed she was still going out and seeing our other friends. Either way, Shane didn't even wait for a response before he was leading us through to the kitchen and getting us drinks. "I think Brett's on the back if you wanna go see him, I'm going back over there but I'll come find you guys later." The kitchen was pretty packed. Brett knew a lot of people and apparently they all love house parties. I led Alex outside into Brett's back yard. It was just a big patch of grass with a bit of a deck and a small barbeque area in the corner. We both stood on the deck, there weren't too many people out there and I knew Alex hated being right in the middle of crowded areas.

"You alright?" I asked her as she took a sip of her drink. She nodded and swallowed.

"I think I should be asking you that."

"What do you mean?"

"You keep getting distant, I feel like I've done something to upset you."

"What? You haven't upset me Alex. Honestly, I'm fine. I just want to have some fun tonight and blow off some steam." I watched her as she switched her gaze from one of my eyes to the other, analyzing me.

"Alright." I could tell she wasn't convinced but it was the truth, she hadn't upset me. There was a short silence between us as she took another sip of her drink. She was looking around at the people who were here. I was looking at her. I didn't really want to bring it up with her right then and there but I couldn't help myself.

"What have you been doing for the past two weeks?" Her eyes turned to me quickly. Her expression became defensive and I think my question annoyed her.

"Are you really asking me that?" I held my stance with her as she stared at me. "I should be the one asking you." I held my head up protectively. This wasn't about me.

"I already told you." She scoffed and rolled her eyes and before I could speak again, she cut me off.

"Last minute school stuff…" Her tone was slightly mocking and I realised how much I didn't want to argue with her tonight. It's not like arguing is a regular thing with us but it's not unfamiliar to us either. "Come on Mitchie, we both know that's bull. You're the least organised person on this planet." Usually I would laugh at that and tell her to shut up before insulting her back. But usually she wouldn't sound so cold and bitter about it. I didn't say anything. We shared silent eye contact for a few seconds before I broke it and looked away. I knew she regretted sounding so harsh so fortunately for her, I was willing to forget it. This was the first time I'd seen my best friend in weeks and I didn't want to spend the whole night avoiding her over some stupid argument.

I spotted our friend Jenny behind Alex already walking over to us. Our main group at school is me, Alex, Shane, Jay, Caitlyn, Luke and Jenny. We all became friends in freshman year. Alex had always been friends with Shane though, since they were kids. Their mom's were close friends and I think they have more of a sibling relationship than a friendship. Shane looks out for Alex, he acts as some sort of protective guardian for her. Jenny and Jay ended up getting together through the middle of our junior year. We all expected it because they just fit so well together.

"Hey guys." Alex turned as she got to us, not noticing her until she spoke up. We both greeted her before she turned to glance over her shoulder, directing both mine and Alex's gaze to a girl over at the other side of the lawn. _Danielle_. "Look who's here." Before Alex and Jenny turned back to face me, I watched Alex. She lingered her sight on Danielle for a little while longer than Jenny did and it didn't go unnoticed by either of us. When she turned back around, she noticed that we'd both been awkwardly waiting for her and she purposely avoided looking at me.

She knew I always hated that girl. There was just something off with her and I didn't like it. But Alex would occasionally hook up with her at parties and that's where the awkward atmosphere comes from when it comes to her. I didn't want to tell Alex what she can and can't do. Obviously it's her own life and I don't control any part of it but I just didn't like the thought of Danielle corrupting Alex. Alex is sweet and kind and whole hearted, whereas Danielle is just selfish and… slimy. I took a gulp of my drink and Alex turned to Jenny.

"Where's Jay anyway?"

"He's in the garage with a couple guys and a bong." There was a short pause until she seemed to remember something. "Oh and beer pong." I laughed. Jenny was always easy going with pretty much everything. She's always been the laid back, go with the flow, long wavy blonde haired kind of girl. She's originally from Australia but her parents moved her and her older brother here just before she started high school.

"Ah, so that explains why you're eyes are as red as a monkey's ass." Jenny scoffed and lightly pushed Alex's arm.

"Dude, I'm not that bad." Alex laughed and rolled her eyes as she looked over at me.

"You wanna go play pong?"

"Sure." I wanted to feel the alcohol as soon as I could and I knew I'd waste half of the night away if I kept drinking my beer at this pace. The three of us headed over to the garage that was attached to the left side of the house. There was a table for the beer pong set up in the middle of the room, assuming that's where Brett's parent's car usually sits and by the sides of it there were a couple of old recliner chairs and a few tool benches. Jay was already playing with Ben, a guy we knew from school against two other guys who were Brett's friends. All four of them were quite clearly already obliterated. Probably from the excessive amount of weed that they smoke but it made it all that more entertaining to watch them attempting to sink each other's cups. Jay and Ben ended up winning, but only just. Alex announced that she and I were playing against Jay and Ben next but Ben put his hands up in protest.

"I need to sit down, man. Let your girl back you up."

"What?! I'm never gonna win with a girl on my team!" Jay complained and Jenny hit him in the arm, causing him to whine and the rest of us to laugh. Jenny actually ended up doing better than Jay which was pretty pleasing to watch considering the guys were making fun of him for it, too.

Jay was loved by everyone. He was always making everyone laugh and I guess you could call him a little goofy at times but he's grounded, too. Education is important to Jay. He knows what it's like to be oppressed and underprivileged. He and his family have always had to work so much harder for what they have, so Jay doesn't take school or work lightly. He wasn't always as determined and engaged as he is now though. But back in our sophomore year, one of his cousins was shot and killed for being black. It was a hate crime but the police wouldn't do anything, despite knowing exactly who the shooter was, for the exact same reason he was shot. I think it opened Jay's eyes a little, along with the rest of us. It made us realise the racism that still exists now. Even if you don't always see it directly, it's still all around us. It changed Jay for the better though, absolutely. Before, he was always a little arrogant and obnoxious but the shooting woke him up. He's passionate about his ethnicity and his family's history. He's passionate about being a better person and making a change in society. He just wants to make a change whilst getting high.

Considering nobody else wanted to play, the four of us managed to get a couple more games in before people from the house started to slowly migrate into the garage. It was a good time whilst it lasted but eventually, I'd had enough and I think Alex was getting bored anyway. We let two other couples take over and I was about to join Jenny and Jay in the corner before Alex stopped me.

"I'm gonna get another drink from the kitchen." I could tell by the daze in her eyes that she was pretty drunk. But then again so was I.

"Come back?" She nodded before leaving. Jay's friend Ben was still with us, practically chugging his beers. I was feeling a slight buzz from the alcohol which was a nice change. I hadn't felt that buzz for a long time and it was only encouraging me to carry on. Jenny was packing up a bowl and she spotted me eyeing it up, making her laugh.

"Am I packing this for me or for you?" I looked up to her face to see her smiling as she sprinkled the last bit into the bowl. I shrugged.

"It'd be rude not to, don't ya think?" She passed the bong over to me, along with her lighter.

"Go for it." I took a few hits before passing it back to her. She took it back with glee, no doubt. Jay and Ben were having their own conversation beside us. I think they were waiting for their turn on the bong more than anything, though. "Where did Alex go anyway?" Jenny asked me, bringing my focus back to reality. I think the alcohol had hit me more than I thought.

"She's gone to get more beer from the kitchen I think." She looked up at me and raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Is that what she told you?" It wasn't long before I could feel that tightening feeling around my eyes from the weed. "More like she's gone to find Danielle." She took back a hit and blew it out a few seconds later. "I don't know why she bothers with that girl, she's such a show pony." I laughed at her insult against her. Not one of us liked the girl apart from Alex. Jay, Luke and Shane would mess around with the pair at any chance they got though.

The bong got passed around twice before I decided Alex wasn't coming back. I didn't really care much by that point though, considering I could barely process a simple thought. General conversation had been flowing between the four of us for about fifteen minutes until Jay dropped to his feet from where he was sat on one of the benches. There was a mini fridge on the floor next to where he was previously sat and we all watched as he bent down and grabbed a bottle of vodka from it, along with a stack of shot glasses. He held up the bottle, facing the three of us with a huge grin on his face.

"Shots anyone?" I could feel my eyes getting hazy but I was still feeling a rush of energy. Jay poured our shots and handed them out. We all held out our small glasses, knocking them together in the middle before necking them. Personally, I think vodka tastes vulgar. I don't know why I drink it. He poured another shot for everyone before I even realised I was no longer holding my shot glass. And as quick as I realised I was no longer holding it, it was shoved back into my hand. We all necked them back again in unison and I shook my head, somehow hoping it would make the experience any smoother. It didn't. I felt someone take the shot glass from my hand this time and I opened my eyes, seeing Jay pour another shot. I shook my hands in protest.

"No more for me. I'm gonna go look for Alex." Anyone listening to me could probably tell I was shit faced by this point.

"When you do find her bring her for a Jay famous bong session!" Jay's voice was loud and enthusiastic. I had to laugh at him. He just spreads good vibes wherever he goes. It wasn't until I was leaving the garage until I realised how many people had actually packed into there since we finished playing pong. I walked through to the back yard. The amount of people there must have tripled since Alex and I had arrived. I hadn't even realised that it was dark out until that point, either. I scanned the people standing around Brett's back lawn. But no sign of Alex. I walked up the deck and back through to the kitchen. The music was banging through the whole house, along with all the people's voices trying to shout over it. I'd only managed to walk a few steps inside until I felt my arm being pulled to one side. I looked up to see Shane's face. He had a beer in his hand and a smile on his face.

"Where have you been all night?" He had to lower himself to my ear. He turned his head as I reached my mouth to his ear to respond over the music.

"In the garage with Jay and Jenny." He stood up straight again and looked down at me. I took a quick glance around the room, but still no sign of Alex. I looked back to Shane to see he was still looking at me.

"You want a beer?" I realised I'd left my other drink back in the garage once he'd asked. I nodded my head, suddenly not having the effort to shout again. Shane turned to the fridge that was just a little behind him and opened it before handing it to me.

"You finally got a haircut then." I leaned up closer to him so I wouldn't have to raise my voice as much. He laughed at me and ran his fingers through his short, black hair.

"Yes I got rid of my locks." He swayed his head, mimicking a woman with long hair.

"It was about time. I was about to start braiding your hair for you."

"Would you have painted my nails too?" He held up his finger nails in front of him and batted his eyelashes. He acted like such an idiot sometimes but it's one of his quirks. I was about to ask him if he'd seen anything of Alex but before I could even part my lips to speak I felt someone grab me from behind. It made me jump at first and I swatted away whoever's hands they were before turning around to be met by Luke's face. His eyes were drooping and his breath stunk of alcohol as he leaned in close to my face.

"What's up with you?" I had to waft my hand in front of his face he smelt that much. It was making me feel sick. He was completely wasted.

"Luke you reek!" He tried to lean in to kiss me but I pushed back on his shoulders. "Eugh Luke get away!" He stumbled back a step or two and opened his eyes a little more to focus on my face. Shane was still stood with me but I don't think Luke even noticed him.

"Luke bro, you need to chill." Shane's voice was pretty relaxed and that made me feel at ease. Luke looked over at him and smiled with his eyes drooping again.

"I'm chill. I'm good." I rolled my eyes at him. This would always happen, Luke never knew his limit. He would just drink and drink and drink until he ends up passed out. You'd never know how he'd act either. Usually, you get your lovey dovey drunks, your raging hormonal teenager drunks, aggressive drunks, sleepy drunks or whatever. But Luke… Luke likes to switch it up. He's not a bad guy, but he could be an occasional asshole. He put his hand on my waist again and pulled me close to him. Before he could do anything else I pushed him away from me.

"What part of get away don't you understand?" Before either him or Shane could respond I walked away from the both of them. I couldn't be bothered to deal with Luke's crap and Shane wasn't being very helpful. I checked every room downstairs looking for Alex but she wasn't in any of them. I figured if she's with Danielle somewhere then I should just leave her to it. I didn't feel like walking in on them for a second time, either. I headed to the upstairs bathroom, wondering if they were in one of the bedrooms I needed to walk past to get to the toilet. The thought of them two behind one of those doors made me feel ill. It's like letting a crow attack an innocent, pure dove and doing nothing about it. I pushed the thought to the back of my head either way and thanked the Gods above that there was no queue for the toilet. I don't think I felt the alcohol and the cannabis that much until I was in there by myself. When I looked in the mirror I was a little taken back by my appearance. My eyes were narrow and red and my face was a little paler than usual. But then again I guess that's what happens when you drink a shit ton of alcohol and smoke a shit ton of weed.

When I opened the door to leave the bathroom, I was pushed back before I even had a chance to step out. Luke. He closed the door behind him and locked it. I stood back and watched him close the small gap between us. He ran the backs of his fingers along my cheek and put his other hand on my hip. His eyes were looking right into mine and he leaned his head a little lower to get more to my level. His breath still reeked but I didn't care all that much anymore. I bet mine wasn't much better, to say the least.

"I've missed you Mitch." His voice was low and quiet. I could still hear the music from downstairs but it was considerably quieter from up here. "It's been such a long time since we've seen each other." His words were slurred and his breath was hot. "You're so gorgeous." His fingers ran down my neck and he leaned in to kiss me. I let him. I never had actual, physical feelings for Luke but he'd always want me for some reason, so I'd never stop him. I can't imagine him taking rejection very lightly anyway. Luke always gets what he wants, he always has. His lips attached to mine and at first, I almost stopped it. I didn't really want this to be happening but it's not like I had anything better to do. So I deepened the kiss and took off his shirt. He pushed my back against the wall and both of his hands went around me. Maybe this is the only reason he always comes to me. Because he knows I'll never say no. I was too drunk to really care about anything though and so was Luke. I felt his hands grab my waist and he pulled me over to the sink, picking me up to sit me on the counter. His lips reattached to my neck and I ran my fingers through his hair and held his face against me. My mind felt clouded. I could barely keep open my eyes and whenever they were open I had no choice but to look up into a bright light anyway. I could feel a headache coming on but Luke kept pushing himself onto me. His hands were pulling up my shirt, rubbing up against my skin at the same time. There was a knock on the bathroom door and I jumped from fear. It didn't seem to faze Luke at all though. All he did was shout over his shoulder telling whoever it was to use the toilet downstairs. I pulled his face into mine again and kissed him hard. I don't know what it was that made me encourage him even more but in a sense, I guess I wanted him as much as he wanted me. He unbuttoned and pulled down my pants before doing the same to himself.

It was pretty much over as quickly as it began. I was left feeling used and unwanted and Luke got off with a quicky before joining his friends for more drinking games. But that's how it always happens. I guess Luke is my Danielle. He left before I even had my shirt back on and I scoffed to myself as he slammed the door behind him.

"Some gentleman." I muttered to myself. I don't know why I let it happen because the results are the same every time. I'm always left feeling this way and Luke goes bragging to all of his guy friends. I pulled up my pants just as someone barged through the door. I looked up. Alex. She closed the door and faced me.

"Mitchie?" I watched as her expression changed from one of confusion, to realisation to disgust in no more than three seconds. "Ew Luke? Again?!" I rolled my eyes and looked around for my shoes.

"And you?" I bent down to look between the sink and the bathtub as Alex stood and watched. Bingo.

"What?"

"What have you been doing all this time, Alex?" I stood up with both of my shoes and looked at her. Her face was as hard as stone.

"That's different and you know it." She actually didn't seem as intoxicated as I felt. I was expecting her to be just as drunk as everyone else but then I realised she left after only a couple games of pong and she probably didn't drink much more if she was having sex with Danielle for the rest of the time. I held onto the sink for balance as I slipped on my left shoe, still looking at her.

"How is it any different Alex. Please, enlighten me." I swapped hands as I put on my right shoe. She pursed her lips to the side and her face dropped a little from being so stern.

"He uses you." Her voice dropped too. I stood upright, finally fully dressed.

"She doesn't use you?" It was more of a rhetorical question than a real one, because we both knew the answer to it. She couldn't deny it because it was so conspicuous and obvious to everyone. She sighed and finally, her whole stance dropped.

"Why do we do this to ourselves Mitch?" I wobbled on my feet and she laughed at me. I had to hold onto the counter behind me for support. "Jesus how much have you drank?" I shrugged.

"A lot." I felt my eyes drooping again and Alex was sort of fading in and out of focus. I rubbed them, hoping to regain my full vision. Once I could see properly again, Alex was standing right in front of me, studying my face.

"Are you okay?"

"Mm. I'm fine." She took my hand and pulled me out of the bathroom all the way to the kitchen downstairs. She took us to the fridge in the kitchen and filled a glass with some cold water as I stood waiting beside her. I spotted Luke with all of his friends looking over at me laughing at the other side of the kitchen. I rolled my eyes at them and turned away. "Eugh, idiots." Alex faced me and handed me the water. She noticed my interaction with the group of guys and put her hand on my arm.

"Drink this and ignore those morons." I took a few gulps of the water and I felt Alex's hand moving up and down my arm in a comforting way.

"Jay told me to take you to him in the garage when I found you by the way."

"Oh great, what does he have planned for me in there?"

"Only a smoke." I noticed Luke and his friends behind Alex again. They were making it a point to make it obvious they were talking about me. He was really winding me up and I hated all of his idiot friends anyway. I walked straight past Alex and threw the rest of my drink on him. It was only a glass of water but the whole point was to show him up in front of his friends. And they all laughed, leaving a feeling of accomplishment. I put the glass down on the counter and walked back past Alex and outside onto the back. She followed me in a small fit of laughter. I felt way too smug.

"Mitchie what has gotten into you?!" Her smile was bright.

"He's an asshole, he deserved it."

"Too right he did." There was a short silence between us until she spoke up again, "listen, Mitch... I'm sorry about what I said earlier." I really didn't want to talk about that so I brushed it off as quickly as it came up, I grabbed her hand and I pulled her to the garage. I needed to relax. I spotted Jay and Jenny straight away, in the same place I left them. Brett was with them now and Ben had left. I pulled Alex with me to join them and Jay grinned when he noticed us approaching.

"Aaay!" Jenny laughed and I thought it was cute how much they adore one another. "Just in time squiglets." Jay shoved the bong full of weed into Alex's hand and Jenny handed her the lighter. I watched as she lit the green flakes and inhaled deeply. She closed her eyes and pulled the bong away from her lips, holding in her breath for a couple of seconds. She slowly opened her eyes as she let the thick cloud of smoke escape her lungs. Everything Alex did, she did so smoothly. Time felt slow when I watched her. She took another hit and I found myself staring at her still. I blinked a few times and tore my eyes from her. I think she was too engaged in her smoking to notice I was completely gawking at her. Jenny, Jay and Brett were mocking me though. Pulling faces with their mouths as wide as their eyes. I looked down at my feet as they made fun of me.

"A group of us are going over to Flush soon, you guys comin'?" I looked up at Jenny and wondered how they were getting there considering everyone was wasted.

"Who's driving?"

"Jay's friend, Tom. He's sober. In fact, I think you've met him before, he drives a van." I had a vague idea who he was. I looked over at Alex. Her eyes were red, she was passing the bong back to Jay.

"Alex, do you wanna go to Flush with these?" Her reaction was slow but eventually she nodded her head and mumbled out a yes. I looked back at Jenny and nodded. "Sure." Jay passed the bong over to me after refilling it. I took a few hits and passed it back. I felt hazy again and my mind clouded over. I met eyes with Alex and we both giggled like kids. I reached out my hand for her to grab and she laced her fingers with mine instantly. "I missed you Alex." She pulled herself close to me and hugged me from my side.

"I missed you too Mitchie." She rested her head on my shoulder and I heard her sigh. "Will you ever tell me where you were?" I retracted. I couldn't help it. She looked hurt and I felt so guilty. I grabbed her hand again, hoping to make things a little better.

"Let's just enjoy tonight… Please." I smiled hopefully and she nodded. I pulled her back into me and hugged her tightly, wrapping my arms around her head making her stumble into me.. I felt her laughing into my chest and I glanced over at our three friends stood beside us. Brett and Jenny were laughing too and Jay was puffing out smoke.

"Yo, you two are such homosexuals." Jay laughed out as small breaths of smoke were still following before he coughed. I was about to retort but a tall, stocky guy with dark hair and a small beard called over to us all. I recognised him a little so I figured he was Tom. He was stood by the front of the garage and he made a motion with his hand, telling us he'd be waiting out front. Jay put down the bong under one of the benches and did a handshake with Brett. "We might be back later man." Me and Alex both said a quick goodbye to him before being led outside by Jenny and her very intoxicated boyfriend.

When we got to the van we were met by a couple of Jay's other friends who were coming along too. He knew a lot of older people through Brett and where he works and his older brother so they're mostly his friends but Jenny knows them too considering they spend a lot of their time together. We all crammed ourselves into the back. It wasn't anything too fancy but there were a few cushions and blankets in the back with some smoking equipment. I remember Luke telling me about the back of this van once. He was hanging out with Jay one weekend and they spent most of their time getting high in here. Alex sat next to me and we spent most of the drive talking between us. I couldn't stop wondering what she had been doing for the past couple of weeks that we hadn't seen each other. I wanted to ask her again but I knew it would have been selfish of me. I was being hypocritical and unfair. I knew I couldn't expect her to tell me whilst clearly lying straight to her face about what I was doing. As much willpower as it took, I figured I was way too drunk for it anyway. If I were going to talk to her about it, I wanted to actually understand what was happening around me. I leaned my head on Alex's shoulder and closed my eyes. It felt good to be around her again.

"I missed you, Lex." My voice was quiet. Probably due to my sudden tiredness. The night was catching up to me. Alex laughed and rested her head down on top of mine.

"You already said that, Mitch."

"Your voice is always so soft."

"Are you getting tired?" I nodded my head and realised I had no concept of the time. The night had flown by and I felt like I'd barely seen Alex at all.

"What time is it?" She grabbed her cell phone from her pocket but I kept my head on her shoulder. I think she tried to move as little as she could for my benefit and it didn't go unnoticed by me.

"It's only half twelve. Why are you so tired already?" I shrugged my own shoulders, despite knowing exactly why I was so tired. Five hours of sleep isn't good for anyone, especially before one of Brett's house parties.

The van pulled up and everyone got out. I remember there being a calm breeze flowing through the air and the moon was a bright crescent in the sky. Flushing Bay isn't anything special… In fact it's the complete opposite of something special, but there was a small hole in one of the fences beside a boat dock that not many people knew about, so every so often a few of us would go down there and hang out next to the water when no one was around and the dock would be closed for the night. Alex pulled me along behind everyone else. I could hear Jay sniggering somewhere in front and I laughed to myself. I crouched through the hole in the fence pretty smoothly, pointing out Alex was there for support the whole time. I let out a long breath of relief when we finally got to a dock. We all sat down in a circle and I suddenly found the reason for going through that tiring journey from the van to here.

"Yes!" I noticed Alex jump beside me from the corner of my eye. "You stranger are a wonderful, wonderful person!" I pointed out to one of the guys who was already in the van when we got there. He was another one of Jay's friends who I didn't know but I think from that point, nothing could change my love for him. "You brought a bong!" I finished and everyone laughed at my outburst.

"Shit Mitchie, you scared me to death you idiot!" Alex put her hand on my knee as she giggled.

"I like this girl Jay." I heard the guy say out loud to our mutual friend.

"First bowl for Mitchie!" Jay exclaimed, rather loudly, as he raised his drink that he brought from the party dramatically in the air. I looked back at Alex again and she was already looking at me, with that bright smile on her face again. I gave her a smug smile after being announced the first bowl was for me and she shoved me by the arm.

Both of our attention was brought to Jay's friend passing over the bong to me, along with an orange lighter that had a picture of a cartoon bulldog on the front. I took my hits generously, feeling that cloud come over me again as my body relaxed into itself. I was barely aware of the interaction that was going on between the seven of us that were sat there. I was in my own world, unable to keep my focus on the reality that was happening around me. I felt good though. I'd felt the best in that short moment than I had for weeks. Everything around me just felt like it was flowing. Everything was flowing. Maybe it was being sat beside the water but either way it felt pretty awesome. I don't know how long I'd been sat there like that and I didn't really care until I was snapped back to reality and someone had passed the bong to Alex. It wasn't until she took her hand away that I realised it had been resting on my knee that whole time. It made me wonder how long her hand had actually been there. I looked up at her face, I felt how delayed my own reactions were, everything around me felt like it was going so slow. She took a hit of the bong and looked over at me. She blew some of the remaining smoke from her lungs in my face. I just sat there taking it all in, feeling thankful for having these people in my life. Thankful for having Alex in my life. I probably looked like a totaled idiot to everyone else though.

"I think we should probably go home." Alex passed the bong over to Tom and looked at me. I wasn't even sure how much I smoked.

"What time is it?" I had to force out my words and every time I did, I felt sick.

"It's almost two."

"What?"

"It's almost two. Are you alright Mitchie?" I sat up a little straighter. My eyes scanned the circle of people in front of me. We were outside but it didn't make a difference to the amount of smoke that was floating around us. Tom blew out a line of smoke and it went in my face. I looked back at Alex.

"Are you sure?" She looked confused.

"Am I sure what?" She was probably as wrecked as I was.

"That it's almost two." I watched silently as she went back into her pocket to retrieve her phone again. Only that time she held her phone up to my face. I squinted from the brightness of her screen and read the time in big bold font. 01:53. She took it away after a few seconds and put it back into her pocket. My eyes had to adjust to the darkness again so I could barely see her face in front of me anymore, but I knew she was looking at me. "How long have we been here?" I heard her and Jenny laugh.

"A couple of hours." Alex said.

"Have you even been here Mitch?" I heard Jenny's Australian twang. I could still barely see anything.

"Do you wanna go home Mitchie?" Alex's hand was back on my knee and I could start to see the features on her face again. Both her and Jenny were staring right at me. Jenny was playing with a lighter and she had her legs crossed. I always imagined her as a beach girl back in Australia who loves to surf. Everything about her just fits that character so well, I always thought. I nodded my head and watched her say something to Jenny. Everything around me was still going in slow motion. Jenny turned to Jay and said something and then Jay turned to Tom and said something. It was like watching a game of Chinese Whispers.

The next thing I knew Alex was helping me to my feet and everyone was walking back to the van. I was helped into the back and me and Alex sat in our same spots from before. Our arms were touching and I remember seeing Jay and Jenny sat together in front of us and he made her laugh. Things were a lot quieter in the van than they were when we were driving up there. The quiet was nice though. Neither me or Alex spoke on the way back but I think we were both just way too tired. When the van stopped Jay opened the side door and it was a nice surprised to see Alex's house in front of us. I thought we were going to have to walk back from Brett's.

"God bless you Tom." I muttered as I pushed myself out of the back of the van. I waved a quick goodbye to everyone in the back and walked over to Alex's from porch to sit and wait for her to say a way more decent goodbye than I did. I leant my head against a post and closed my eyes. The only thing I wanted was Alex's warm double bed. I heard the van drive away and by the time I opened my eyes again, Alex was already walking up the porch steps. I stood myself up, holding onto the same post for support and Alex quietly unlocked her front door. She ushered me inside, following me close behind. The house was dead quiet and I knew we had to be super quiet because Alex's dad works extra early on a saturday morning. I waited patiently as she locked the door behind her. She kicked off her shoes by the front door and led me up the stairs to her bedroom. I had to hold onto her hand to avoid walking into anything considering it was pitch black. She turned on her bedside lamp once we got inside her room and I slid my jacket from my shoulders, dropping it on the floor. It was always warm in Alex's house. Something I never got used to.

Alex disappeared in her bathroom and I lay myself down on her bed. I let out a content sigh as I sunk into her duvet before I kicked off my own shoes and let them drop on the floor too. I heard the toilet flush followed by the sound of Alex brushing her teeth. I lifted my head and looked over. The door was open and I could see her in the mirror, she must have noticed me lift my head because she returned my gaze instantly.

"Cmerrr." Is all I heard from her. She probably caught onto my confusion because she took her toothbrush out of her mouth and spat into the sink and said, "I said come here." I got up from her bed and she got a spare toothbrush from her cabinet and passed it to me. She reminds me of her mom a lot of the time. We silently brushed our teeth together and I undressed once I'd finished and climbed into bed. Alex was soon to follow and she turned off the light. It was quiet. All I could hear was our shallow breathing and an occasional drip from the bathroom tap. I closed my eyes but I knew Alex was still looking at me. "Mitch." Her voice was soft.

"Mm?"

"Where were you?" This is exactly what I didn't want.

"Leave it Alex." I kept my eyes purposely closed.

"It's him isn't it."

"I said leave it Alex." My voice was stern this time. I wish she'd just know when to stop.

"He's been hitting you again, hasn't he?" This time I opened my eyes and let out a long sigh. I looked into her eyes.

"Alex." She went to say something but I made sure she didn't get the chance. I sat up and cut her off quickly. "No. Alex you can't just do this." She sat up too, still facing me. "I don't want to hear any of this so if you don't stop I'm just going to go home." She didn't say anything right away and for a moment I thought she was going to push it even further. But instead she sighed and looked at me sadly.

"Fine, I'll stop. I'm sorry Mitchie, I just care about you." I lay back down but turned away from her.

"If you care about me you'll just leave it alone." I closed my eyes and felt her lay down too.

"Good night Mitchie." I didn't respond. I felt too bad to respond. I just let myself fall asleep in her warm bed.


	2. You Know I'm No Good

Author's Note- This chapter is a lot shorter than the first one but I wanted it to be over with already. I appreciate the reviews, as always. It's Mitchie's POV again. Enjoy :) 

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The next morning was actually pretty tense. I knew Alex was still thinking about what she mentioned the night before and I knew she was playing on the thought of bringing it up again. I kind of wished that I hadn't of waited around for her to wake up and instead just left like I was considering when I woke up before her that morning. The only reason I decided not to was because I didn't want to leave without knowing where this whole situation stood. I didn't want to leave before making sure she wouldn't push this any further.

We were sat at her dining table eating breakfast when she finally did bring it up again. Her mom was out so it was just the two of us in the house. It's not as though there was any sort of awkwardness between us prior to her mentioning it again but there was certainly some sort of atmosphere between us that whole morning. We were both aware of what we were both thinking but it was unspoken until that moment. Alex was messing around with her food and her foot was bouncing off of the floor.; something she always did when she was holding something back.

She eventually looked up at me and sighed. I was already looking at her. I had been watching her for most of the morning but she hadn't noticed. I had been waiting for it to come up again, and I knew Alex would have brought it up eventually in the space of when I would wake up to when I would leave.

"Mitchie." Her voice was exasperated and I felt guilty for waiting for her to be the one to bring it up again. I knew it was bothering her a lot considering how distant she had been. I didn't say anything for a moment. We shared eye contact silently but I knew what she was thinking. And I could only bet that she knew exactly what was going through my mind, too.

"Don't make this any harder Alex. Please." I knew it was _such a suckish_ thing to ask of her. I couldn't ever imagine being in a situation where I would have to keep such a thing from everyone if it were Alex in my position. But at the time I was absolutely convinced that I was doing the right thing and I was protecting myself and my dignity. Whatever I had left of it, anyway. Alex's eyes looked sad and it tore me apart. I had to look away from her.

"I can't keep doing this for much longer, you have to understand that." My lack of eye contact didn't last long. I looked up at her quicker than I looked away.

"What?"

"I can't keep hiding this Mitchie." She was getting distressed. But then again so was I.

"Alex no." I was serious. It wasn't often I was ever this hard nosed but she needed to see how much this meant to me. How much her being quiet about it meant to me.

"How is this fair to me?!" She sat upright in her seat opposite mine. I put my face in my hands and let out a short groan.

"Alex." I had no argument against her. I never did. We both silently knew that Alex was always in the right when it came to this argument. I would never admit to it out loud though and she never needed to. Besides, she's too kind to outright say it anyway. I lifted my head to look at her again but I kept my chin resting on my hands. I didn't know what to say. I just stared at her speechless, hopelessly trying to come up with any words. But I had nothing.I could feel the panic start to fade away but what came instead felt a lot worse. It was all starting to hit me at once. I was scared. I started to worry. I could feel the sting in the backs of my eyes and my chest was tightened. I started to cry. Nothing else would come out of me but my tears. "Alex, you can't."

She sighed again, but this time is was sympathetic. I felt like an absolute idiot. She was silent for a few more seconds whilst she looked at me with sadness. All I wanted at that point was to be as far away from that situation as possible. But there I was; right in the smack bang middle of it.

"You never talk to me any more." I levelled my breathing.

"Alex, I really don't want to talk about it." She leaned forward in her chair and she held her hand out for me to take. I wiped my teary cheeks with my left hand and gave her my right one. She held it tightly with the both of her own and looked me in the eye.

"Mitchie... If you're not going to let me tell anyone about what that man is doing to you." I looked down at the table. I hated that she couldn't even call him my dad. I couldn't blame her though. She paused and sighed once more. "Mitch you have to come to some sort of compromise with me if you expect me to carry on keeping this a secret." I looked back up at her. "It kills me enough knowing what I know and not being able to do anything about it. At least, please, let me be there for you." I hated it. I hated feeling like some sort of _vulnerable victim_. I felt nauseas and ashamed and embarrassed. I retraced my hand from hers and sat back in my seat. She looked surprised at the sudden change of my demeanour. I rolled my eyes casually.

"It was just same old same old, Alex. He drank a little too much and took his miserable frustrations out on me."

"Mitch you know that's not what I mean. I want you to actually open up to me once for god's sakes!" My need for crying was gone. I slammed my hands on the table in front of me and sat up.

"You want me to open up to you? You want me to tell you all about what happened Alex? Huh?" She stared at me, mouth open but speechless. Not that I waited for an answer. She was pushing me and I couldn't deal with it. "You want me to tell you all about how my father, my _dad_ , threw me into a wall and sprained my wrist? I couldn't move it for days afterwards." I laughed. I knew I shouldn't have because that's something that has always upset Alex. She hates when I laugh in the middle of arguments and I know it upsets her but sometimes I just can't help it. I was angry. I was selfish. "And would you like me to tell you all about how he stood on my wrist once he knew it was hurt, too? He loved that one. I bet it made him feel like a king. Being above me like that. Having all of that power over a whole other person. It's funny though, because after he finally shoved my face into the living room floor and forced me to tell him how lucky I am to have him around, he fell asleep on the couch and _I_ was the one with all of the power. He was passed out drunk and there was his lighter and a half empty bottle of whiskey sitting right in front of him on the coffee table." My tone was partially sarcasm, mixed with anger. I don't know why she put up with me for so long. "I thought about lighting the place but I realised… Ultimately, he was the one with all of the power. Unconscious or not, I am nothing without him. I have no one. I have no where to go, Alex! If I ever torched the place, there would be no point in me leaving to see the next day."

I didn't wait for anything. I bolted it upstairs to her room and put on my shoes. I snapped up my phone from her bed and by the time Alex had gotten halfway up the stairs, I was already going back down them. I rushed passed her and she slammed her foot down into the wood underneath her just before I was about to reach out and open the front door.

"Mitchie stop!" I did. I turned around and my sudden stop made me realise I was out of breath. My chest rose and fell deeply. She probably noticed from where she was stood. "You can't go back there if this is happening again." I pinched the top of my nose and scrunched my eyes together. I had a migraine coming on.

"I live there Alex." She didn't say anything. I could see that she was trying not to cry so I forced myself to leave.

It was never a secret for long with Alex. It was about six months into our friendship when she caught on. We did spend most of our free time together so it was inevitable, really. I was always still so careful about it though. I always knew it was going to happen _at some point_ , but I still attempted to hide it from her for as long as possible. So when it did finally happen, I didn't see it coming and I freaked out.

She managed it all so well though; for a fourteen year old anyway. But Alex was always insanely intelligent. She always knew how to handle more challenging situations better than a lot of people our age. She had always been really mature for her age, too… when she wanted to be, anyway. Not that she was ever a prude or boring or anything but it was like she could just swap her mindsets whenever she wanted to. And she would… constantly. She always had many different personalities. Depending on who she was around or what mood she would be in, she would change her personality to reflect that. But I don't even think she ever even realised that she would do it. Like it was just natural to her.

" _Mitchie, what is that?!" Alex's voice screeched and I was more than quick to quieten her down. "Mitchie, you tell me where that's from right now." My hands were shaking and my ears were deafened by the thumping of my heart. I froze. I couldn't utter a single word as Alex stood in front of me, waiting for some sort of explanation. An explanation I knew I could no longer keep from her. I went light headed and I shut my eyes tight and cursed myself for being such an idiot for slipping up. I held my hand over my forehead in some sort of effort to contain myself and I looked forward._

" _Lex please don't tell anyone." I remember feeling the lump in my throat as I spoke those five words. It was so big that it hurt the insides of my ears. I remember seeing Alex close her bathroom door through my teary eyes. I blinked and they fell, clearing my vision of her walking towards me before embracing me in a slightly awkward, overly careful hug._

" _Who did this to you?" Her voice was slightly softer than before but I could still hear her shock. I shook my head into her shoulder and closed my eyes tightly._

" _Alex I can't." I didn't mean for my voice to sound so… sad. But I guess after years of having to keep it to myself, someone else finally knowing was sort of a relief I guess. Terrifying; but a relief, no doubt._

" _You have to, Mitch." She pulled away from me and I looked to the ground. My bare feet were cold against the tile floor. "Is it your dad?" I gulped._

" _Please don't tell anyone, Alex." I looked up at her again and I remember feeling surprised at how mature she was handling the situation. Her face was stern as she held eye contact with me. She nodded her head but before I had a chance to ease up, she held her finger up to me._

" _But only if you tell me what's going on." I expected it. It was only fair. I nodded once and raised her eyebrows. "And I mean everything."_

" _Okay."_

There have been plenty of times when I've regretted nothing more than that night. But maybe it was never such a bad thing that it all happened, I'd probably have gone through a lot worse if I never had Alex to go to at three in the morning most nights and hide away at her house for a couple of days at a time until my dad calmed down.

Alex had left me in her bathroom to let me continue changing my clothes. I still can't believe how I was so reckless for her to see my bruised back. I was always so careful. _But on that_ one _occasion I forgot to lock the door and she just_ happened _to have wanted something from in there. I remember stalling for_ so _long. I don't know why I bothered to wait behind that door for so long; I was never getting away from it and I knew that. I guess I was building up the courage to open it._

 _When I eventually reached my hand out to twist the door knob, it was shaking. I took in a deep breath and just did it. I almost whacked myself in the face with the door, I opened it that quick. Alex wasn't looking up at me so I was thankful I avoided that embarrassment. She was lay on her bed, with only the bedside lamp illuminating the room._

I walked around to the other side and got onto her bed beside her. My heart was racing and I was sure I was about to pass out at any second. I clenched my fists and held myself together. She switched off her phone and put it under her pillow, something she always did. I remember my shoulders actually started to hurt due to how tense I was keeping them. Alex turned to me and I already felt like I was going to start crying again. She grabbed one of my hands and I sat up a little straighter.

" _Start from the beginning." Her voice was soft and encouraging, but I wasn't expecting anything else from Alex._

We were up for hours that night talking about everything I was going through. I told her about my mother dying when I was ten. Non Hodgkin Lymphoma... not that I had much of an idea of what that meant at the time. I told her how my dad had turned to drinking and he moved the two of us away from our other family. I told her about the first time he ever hit me; I had just turned eleven. He slapped me across the face, so hard I fell to the floor and then he locked me inside a tiny storage cupboard for about four hours. We talked about how he gambled away all of my mom's savings that she had been working on for five years. It was originally supposed to have been for my college tuition but he blew it all in a week. We talked about how after the first hit he ever gave me, it turned into something frequent; along with his drinking. He wasted the last of our savings money and we had to move to a small apartment in Jamaica, Queens just before I was due to start my first year in high school. And then I met Alex.

" _So this is why you never wanted me to go to your house." I nodded my head. I somehow ended up laying with my head on her leg. I couldn't handle looking at her face any more as I told her everything It was hurting too much to see how much she was getting upset. "This explains so much." Her voice was quiet and I wasn't even sure if she was actually talking to me or herself. I looked up at her and returned my gaze when she felt my head turn against her leg._

" _What do you mean?"_

" _I just mean the way you are sometimes. You'll disappear for days and then show up at school and you won't talk to anybody. And you're always all over the place and Caitlyn told me you always skip P.E." There was a pause between us and I turned my head back to where it was before. I felt Alex's fingers run through my hair and I closed my eyes, willing myself to not get upset again. I was too exhausted to cry any more. "I always wondered about these things but you're always so closed off… and well, now I know."_

" _Nothing's going to change is it?" I don't really know why I asked her that. I admit, I was sort of afraid that I was going to lose her over it but I knew that was ridiculous to even consider. She sighed and my eyes opened again._

" _Mitch I really think you need to tell somebody." I sat up and looked at her in a second. She stayed calm, though._

" _Alex, do you know what will happen if I tell anybody?" I was trying not to raise my voice too loud, it was late and the last thing I wanted was to wake her parents. "I'll either be sent to live with some family member who hasn't bothered to look for me for the past or I'll be sent to some weird care home for kids. I can't deal with either of those options, Lex." I felt like I was guilt tripping her into keeping quiet about it and I hated myself for it. I didn't want to be_ that _person, but I could barely cope with the thought of going off somewhere strange by myself, I knew I wouldn't last a day. "Please don't tell anyone, I'll do anything Lex." I waited anxiously for a response. She was silent for a moment whilst she thought of something and the anticipation was agonising._

" _If you promise that you'll come to me when it gets too bad and you don't keep anything from me about this, then_ fine, _I won't tell anybody." I felt surprised by her agreement, but I obliged. "But Mitchie, I swear if it ever gets too bad." I nodded. I didn't need her to go on, I knew what she was thinking. Her eyes began to water and I realised she only stopped talking because she was holding herself back from crying. She composed herself and took in a breath through her nose. "Mitchie, I swear if he ever seriously hurts you, I'll kill him."_

I felt… _bad_. Just bad, in every way possible. I never wanted to put all of that on my best friend. It was a struggle for her just as much as it was for me sometimes, I think, and there have been a lot of times where I've wished I could take everything about that night back. I mean, don't get me wrong, I have always been _so_ grateful for Alex and everything she has ever done for me and the way she has handled this for the past two and a half years and the way she has handled _me_. She has been an absolute saint and I can't fault anything she has ever done. Of course it's gotten between us before and it's been the root to _a hell of a lot_ of our issues, but I understand that I can't blame her for that; it's not her fault.

I didn't speak to Alex for the rest of that weekend. I wasn't angry at her any more; I probably stopped feeling angry about an hour after I left, but I felt too guilty to text her or anything and I knew that if I went to go see her again we would probably just argue some more. I did get a text message from Shane, though.

I was at work when I got his message. My manager would never be around so I had it pretty easy. It was only minimum wage job at a 24 hour convenience store but it got me away from home. Plus, the money in my pocket helped an awful lot too, considering I pretty much had to provide for myself anyway. I was restocking some shelves in the back of the store when I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. It was a pretty small store, so there was never really _too much_ work to do, but it was enough to keep myself occupied. I put down the scissors on the floor that I was using to cut open the boxes and pulled my phone from my pocket.

 _Shane: what did you do to Alex?_

 _Mitchie: what are you talking about?_

It was about five minutes before he replied again but I wasn't worried about what he said. I knew Shane well enough to know that he was never a serious person, so if something was _really_ wrong, I would know about it.

 _Shane: she's been miserable all night_

 _Mitchie: what does that have anything to do with me?_

I figured, if he was asking _me_ what was wrong with her then she obviously wasn't telling him and I was in no position to decide on Alex's behalf what her friends know about her business.

 _Shane: you were the last person she was with_

 _Shane: plus she gets all weird whenever you're mentioned_

 _Mitchie: where are you?_

I was only curious because he said I was being mentioned and I think any normal person would be curious, too. I put my phone on the floor beside my knees and carried on working. It was always quiet at this time. We would never get more than a couple customers come in at once. My phone buzzed against the hard floor

 _Shane: me, Alex and Caitlyn are hanging out at Denny's_

A few minutes passed and I still hadn't replied. I had nothing to say to him, so I just got back to work. My phone vibrated against the floor again but I had no intention of picking it up. I did look down at my screen every time it lit up, though.

 _Shane: I will find out what's going on_

 _Shane: I'm watching you, Mitchie_

 _Shane: I'm aaaalways waaatching_

After that, he proceeded to send me about eight different emojis but I just put my phone away and got back to work. I didn't want to think any more about Alex. I knew she would have been fine and I knew I wouldn't see her until we get back to school so there was really no point in getting myself worked up any more than I already was. I felt bad enough and I didn't need the added guilt from thinking about how much of a lame friend I was being.


End file.
